Most Relationship Problems have Hidden Underlying Causes that You’d Least Expect
If you’re struggling with relationship challenges that persist despite your best efforts at solving them, you’re certainly not alone. It’s not uncommon to hit a wall if we approach a problem from the wrong perspective or frame it in the wrong context. As Einstein famously noted – “we can’t solve problems with the same thinking that created them!” If it feels like your problem is unique or impossibly complex, it may not be as difficult to solve as you think: because when we strip it all down, pretty much every relationship challenge traces back to one of just five fundamental issues. Think of them as the hidden underlying causes. Treating such problems symptomatically is ineffective because it doesn’t address the underlying cause, and the problem will just keep re-emerging. By identifying what’s really causing your challenges, you gain the power to treat the root of the problem—not just a temporary band-aid, but a truly permanent solution.
Why This Matters
Most of us approach our relationship struggles by trying to manage the symptoms. Although we argue about the dishes, the in-laws, finances, or intimacy, these are rarely the actual problem. They’re manifestations of something deeper. Without understanding the underlying causes of our problems, we exhaust ourselves trying to fix the same superficial issues over and over, never quite getting to the core of what’s wrong.
What’s more, we’re often missing foundational knowledge that healthy relationships require. We absorb conflicting messages about love from the media, our families, and our friends. We may enter relationships without truly understanding ourselves or how relationships really work and what they require from us. This isn’t a personal failing—most of us were never taught these essential skills. But here’s the encouraging part: they absolutely can be learned. And once you understand the underlying causes driving your challenges, you can approach them from an entirely new perspective.
Identifying the Five Underlying Causes
1. Confusing Infatuation with Love
That intense, head-over-heels feeling is real and wonderful—but it’s not love. When that initial rush fades, many couples mistakenly believe they’ve fallen out of love, when really they’ve simply moved beyond infatuation. Understanding the difference between infatuation and love allows us to avoid getting lost in our emotions, and allows us to build onto that initial foundation before it burns itself out.
Read the article on “confusing infatuation with love”…
2. Pursuing Unrealistic Relationship Myths and Fantasies
We all have internalized myths and fantasies about relationships. Soul mates who never fight. Partners who complete us. Relationships that remain effortless forever. These compelling narratives can derail even the most committed attempts at building real love, especially when reality looks very different from such unrealistic expectations. Recognizing these myths and fantasies as unrealistic prevents you from mischaracterizing your challenges and allows you to build a lasting partnership instead.
Read the article on “relationship myths, fantasies and delusions”…
3. Misunderstanding How Relationships Operate
Relationships aren’t governed by feelings alone—they operate by specific principles and dynamics. Like anything else, relationship skills improve dramatically when you understand the underlying mechanics. Many relationship struggles stem from not understanding how relationships actually work.
4. Operating from a Juvenile, Self-Centered and Acquisitive Mindset
Some relationship struggles result from our failure to mature beyond a juvenile “what’s in it for me” perspective. Healthy relationships require a level of maturity and the capacity to consider another person’s needs alongside your own. This isn’t about self-sacrifice; it’s about developing the awareness and emotional sophistication that a healthy partnership demands.
5. Lacking Self-Knowledge and Understanding
You can’t build something solid on shaky ground. Many relationship struggles actually reflect deeper issues—how well you know yourself, your patterns, your triggers, your values, and your wounds. Without this self-awareness, you’ll inevitably recreate the same dynamics in your relationships. It’s wise to understand that our relationships with others typically reflect our relationship with ourselves, and that this is especially true for our significant relationships.
Your Path Forward
Recognizing which of these five underlying causes is at play in your situation is a crucial first step. And don’t jump to conclusions too eagerly, as as your challenges may involve more than one one of them—these underlying issues frequently overlap and appear in combination. That’s entirely normal and very manageable once you understand what you’re dealing with. Navigating relationships is not an inborn skill, it is something we typically learn through trial and error, and lots of practice.
Real solutions to relationship challenges come from addressing these fundamental issues directly. This isn’t a surface-level fix. When you treat the underlying cause rather than just the symptoms, it triggers real and lasting transformation. The insights you gain from this work will ripple through not just your romantic relationship, but your entire approach to interacting and collaborating with others. That amounts to significant personal growth, which in turn will overflow into positive effects in many other areas of your life.
Ready to go deeper?
Each of these five underlying causes deserves its own careful exploration. As you read through the individual articles, you’ll discover specific insights and practical wisdom tailored to your particular situation.
Remember that identifying the root cause of the problem correctly is already halfway to the solution!
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